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Safety First

Dear Passenger,

Here at Air Afraid, our concern is, first and foremost, your safety and comfort. Due to recent government regulations, we will be making a few minor adjustments to our boarding and carry-on luggage policies.

Effective immediately, we ask that you report to the airport no later than nine (9) hours prior to your flight. Upon arrival you will undergo a preliminary pre-flight interview by one of our Wal-Mart greeters TSA agents. Upon successful completion of this screening, you will move on to the first round of check-in. Here you must present your tickets, travel documents, and letter of reference from your local Congressman or MP. All luggage must be checked to your final destination at this time

Once you have received your boarding pass, please move on to the security screening area. You will be familiar with Stage One of this process. It is similar to pre-panic procedures, and you will remove coats, belts, shoes, etc. and pass through a metal detector.

Once it's clear you’re not carrying any concealed objects in your clothing, you will be directed to Stage Two. This is new and might be unfamiliar to those passengers who have not been previously incarcerated or seen prison porn. At this point, we will ask you to strip, leaving your clothing in the plastic bags provided. These bags will be tagged and a corresponding wristband will be attached to your arm. Please do not remove or tamper with this wristband, as mutilated bands will not be valid for redemption of your personal belongings.

Once banded, you will undergo a basic cavity search. Please note that to ensure expedience (as well as hygiene), we ask all passengers to have a thorough douche and/or enema at home 2-3 hours before arriving at the airport.

You will then be provided hypoallergenic, flame-retardant flight pajamas. These will be stickered with your home country, religious preference,and fare designation. You will wear this uniform until you arrive at your final destination. At this time, your wristband will be matched with your clothing bag and your personal items will be returned to you.

As you may have heard, no hand luggage will be allowed in the aircraft’s cabin. Most important change here is no liquids or gels, in any form, may be brought on to the aircraft. We will attempt to provide adequate water during the flight, but recommend that you arrive fully hydrated.

For those of you who are trying to enter or maintain your status in the mile-high club (the flight suits are quite fetching), you will have to resort to the time-honored lubricant which saw most of our flight attendants through high school … spit. For those traveling in Premier Class, we will have limited supplies of personal lubricant.

Once on board, passengers will be required to take one muscle relaxant and one Xanax. Premier Class passengers will have the option of limited variety of additional pharmaceuticals to make your flight more enjoyable, including, but not limited to, Ambien, Halcion, and Seconal.

We realize that there are some passengers whose religion forbids them from taking any type of medication. We have researched these religions, and found them to be outside of recognized Christian mindsets. Therefore, we cannot honor these requests at this time. Please see our website for refund procedures if your travel plans are disrupted due to religious concerns.

Please note that we are working to have individual anesthesiologists for our Premier Class passengers, thus ensuring a smooth and more tranquil flight. Not a Premier passenger yet? Visit our website to find out the fastest way to upgrade.

For those of you who have a higher tolerance to our tranquilizers and require in-flight entertainment, we will provide government-sanctioned reading materials. These include excerpts from Readers’ Digest, the homespun hilarity of Erma Bombeck, and selected poems of Donald Rumsfeld.

We are certain you understand the importance of each passenger mindlessly accepting abiding by these new standard operating procedures. It is our God-given right to fly across these skies, and if the terrorists keep us land locked, then we have let them win.

These new policies will be in effect for the foreseeable future and, of course, are for your safety and convenience. We realize there will be some delays and, perhaps, some minor inconveniences to you, our valued customers. In light of this, will we be entering each fully-paid passenger into a raffle to receive 100 extra air miles.

With your help and vigilance, we can continue to let freedom fly.

Yours truly,

Air Afraid
Customer Service