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Run Away from the Runway

I hear from my NYC industry amigos that it’s that time of year again. The glamour that is Fashion Week.

It seems like this happens every month or so now. It’s like the city’s having its period and Bryant Park is tented with an oversized white Maxi-Pad. Maybe that's why they call it the rag business.

I suggest a novel way to pass the time when things get either a little too predictable (models popping Tic Tacs right after puking away that last stubborn half-inch) or pretentious (photographers giving you a quick once-over and then mouthing “no” ... like they’re the arbiters of good taste in their flack jackets knit caps).

Next time you’re up to your eyeballs in size zero twaddle, why not catch a case of the the latest couture contagion:

Fashion Tourette’s

It’s really rather simple. Just shout out things that will make people take notice. They're fashionistas, not scientists ... they'll believe most anything if you speak with conviction and aplomb.

Pull a little focus and watch the faux fur fly.

“Green is the new black!”

“Donnatella’s extensions are on fire!”

“Marc Jacobs likes girls!”

"Wintour's pregnant!"

"Trim Spa kills!"

“Polka dots, polka dots, it’s all about polka dots!”

“Calvin turned down an eight ball!”

“Gwynneth’s eating her Apple!”

"Tax the swag!"

“Lindsay Lohan’s sober in the next tent!”

“Earth shoes! Fall ‘08! Totally hot.”

You get the idea. And when the paps start clicking away, throw up your arms and shriek, “Please! Did we learn nothing from Diana?”

Then twirl around, do a quarter-turn back and throw your chin over rear-facing shoulder. It will eliminate any double chin and your ass will look as hot as Eva Longoria's ... who, no doubt, will be wearing green next time you see her.

It’s the new black.

:: :: ::

This gives me a new idea. All you fashion-friendly people send me lists of things that are overheard way too often during fashion week. We'll come up with a "Fashion Week Bingo" card .. or maybe t-shirts. Godmother ... they'd look good with the 5EPs. Or maybe a spread in Sportswear International.

Speaking of SI, I'm really upset that I got no compensation for the use of my high school photo for their latest issue's cover art.