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Home From the Holidays, Part 2

Once the Christmas gifts were tallied, Larry decided he wanted needed a new briefcase to go with the smart luggage I'd Santa had brought him. I've created a Tumi queen.

He found one he liked in the ghostown know as downtown Cincinnati, but it had no price tag and the sweet little Nelly McNellerton at Saks had her toupee in a twist trying to figure out the pricing. We only have so much patience time, so we thanked him kindly for his efforts and moved on.

One of the allegedly nicer malls in my hometown is Kenwood. So off we went. We didn't find the bag he wanted, but we did find something else.

Bad color. Lots and lots of it.

People, come on. Say it with me ... color is a commitment. And it's best left to trained professionals, especially when you're going for highlights. Do you really think all those girls in the L'oreal commercials pick up a box of color at Krogers and then go home, get in the shower and *presto change-o*, look like a million bucks? Doesn't happen. They have colorists. Good ones.

You know it's bad when even Larry (the beer-drinking, hockey-fan homo that he is) notices.

I can appreciate roots. It's a lovely store and a very good book/mini-series. But six inches of them? And if you're going to go blonde (and who hasn't?) try to make sure it matches your skin tone.

We began a game. Without trying to search out dreadful dye-jobs, I would count out as they passed by us. In 90 seconds, we got to 17 and I had to stop. It was still the holdiays, after all, and it was bringing me down.

"Maybe they were trying to pull focus from their super-sized butts," I rationalized to Larry.

"I thought that's why they chose those god-awful sweaters," he said.

And it wasn't just the color. The cuts were bad too. Lots of poofed-up curls and, I do believe, back combing. I think many of them are using Dynasty reruns as style guides. And those with the shorter cuts are definitely getting use out of those curling irons left over from high school.

Poor darlin's. If Kenwood Mall is any indications, there is an apparent dirth of trained hair-care professionals in the midwest. And mirrors. Entrepreneurs take note.

Oh, and the women didn't look much better.